Happy Fathers Day

To any dads who are reading this, I hope you are enjoying the day with your child(ren) and they are showing and telling you how much you are loved and appreciated.

For new (and older) dads with sons, pick up the book The Way of the Wild Heart and read it as you are raising your sons.  I have never read a better book on raising boys.  I have five posts on this blog from the book Wild at Heart, but I think its sequel is even better.    The best gift a dad (and mom) can give a son when very young is to make sure he knows that he is a beloved one (read the book to find out why).  

We do not have daughters but from experience as one :)  your daughter also needs to know that she is a beloved child early on.  Our children were raised with Dr. James Dobson's books and advice, so here is a good one for Bringing Up Girls.   You are the first model of the Lord that your child will ever know and play such an important role in his/her development.

I am thankful that our sons  have a kind and generous father who loves them with all of his heart and that they have never had to doubt his love, even for a moment.

Have a great day with your family today!  My two sons have their dad out on an all-day fishing trip, then church and dinner later with all of us.  :)

Psalm 103:13 

Just as a father has compassion on his children, 

So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him. 

Giving Thanks 2010 Revisiting 2009 and Continuing / Thanksgiving

My Thanksgiving list continues.  A review of my 2009 Blog post.

3. I am thankful for the gift of my two children, sons now aged 21 and 16, and that I have lived long enough to see them walking with the Lord.

Two sons...what a delight.  Like most women I expected to have a daughter in the family but how like God to bless me with two sons and prepare me for them ahead of time.  I played a lot of intramural sports in college via my sorority--flag football, basketball, softball.  This was great prep for having boys who love to be outside and play, throw the ball, climb monkey bars, play sports, etc.  (especially when younger). When my older son played Varsity basketball for high school I already knew all the rules and although I don't particularly enjoy watching football on TV, I know many of the rules for that sport as well.  :)  

My brother and I have been close all our lives.  Growing up, just being around him and his friends regularly always made me very comfortable talking with boys and men and just being myself.     We  have what I refer to as an "ongoing conversation".  When we're together we can talk about anything. Sometimes it's for a few minutes, sometimes for an hour. My husband is an only child and experienced a great deal of loneliness when he has growing up, so I am thankful my children have had each other.

I homeschooled my older son from grade 5 and my younger one from preschool to now (11th grade).  Looking back I am so glad that I did because with a 5-year age difference between them, in a public or private school setting, they would never have known each other.  For the most part they would have even been in different schools.  My older son lives in our city but away from home during the school year but how delighted I am when he makes an effort to spend time with his younger brother.  I am smiling now just thinking about that.  :)  He is even teaching Graphic Arts to his younger brother for one of his high school classes.  I pray with all my heart that they will stay close and be each other's best friends as they grow older and we are no longer here for them.

A few years ago I read two excellent books:  Wild at Heart and The Way of the Wild Heart both by John Eldredge (the latter being even better than the former).  I so wish I had read it when they were younger.  I was a changed mom after reading them and now really understand the "adventure" side of both them and my husband as well.    I have to remember that they are not little boys anymore and treat them with more respect as young men.    For you younger moms, to my surprise, that begins around age 12.

Although I'm still pretty safety conscious--always wear your seatbelt, don't drive too fast, don't talk on your phone while driving, be careful with sharp objects--I now generally just say (when I hear of plans for something kind of exciting and a bit risky, even like going up on our roof below) Oh, you're just being Wild at Heart.  They smile and know I understand their need for adventure.  I also smile back and then pray.  :)

Proverbs 23:25 

Let your father and your mother be glad, 

And let her rejoice who gave birth to you. 

Wild at Heart Chapter 5 / Fathers Day Series

Wild at Heart by John Eldredge

Chapter 5:  The Battle for a Man's Heart

John starts this chapter off remembering when his son was in the first grade and was confronted by a bully.  His advice to his son the next time the bully pushed him down?  I want you to get up...and I want you to hit him...as hard as you possibly can.  I can vaguely giving one of my sons that same advice in school when he was younger.   Neither of my sons was ever troubled by bullies but I had prepared them in advance that if it should happen, this was OK, then go tell a teacher what was done and why.

He continues on with his thoughts on tranquilizing drugs like Ritolin for ADD or ADHD.  Much  of these "diagnoses"  occur within the public school system when children do not want to sit for hours upon hours at a time.  (Another excellent reason to homeschool your children.)  He thinks along these lines exactly as I do--that kids are being over medicated for being kids, especially boys, who need large motor activities during the course of they day no matter what the age.  I used to tell mine to go outside and exercise the trouble out.  They're much better for it, plus they love the jumping, running, swimming, climbing...you get the picture.     

I love his story of Brig. Gen. Norman "Dutch" Cota, who taught his men (by showing them)  how to take a house filled with Germans in World War 2.   The men were pinned down in their minds and were paralyzed to act until he led them to victory.   Such is the case of men who have been wounded by their fathers, coaches, significant people in their lives.  Men need to know who they are and if they have what it takes.  But who tells them these things?  

They search for it in significance, in the kind of car they drive, in the size of their home, the clubs they belong to, the amount of money they make; they search for validation in all sorts of directions.   One of the worst places they search for this is with women, real ones or the illusion of women, as in pornography.  Some marriages become troubled because the man is seeking validation from his wife which she has the power to give, but she also has the power to invalidate him since she sees him at his best and at his worst.  She becomes his all in all which is not healthy for either of them.

Men cannot get their answers / validation from any of the things they chase after to find their sense of self.  There is only one  Source for the answer...

So much of this section could also be applied to women who are also seeking validation from their boyfriend, spouse, career, volunteer work, etc.  The only place for true validation is from the Lord, which I assume will be in the next chapter.

Wild at Heart Chapter 4 / Fathers Day Series

Wild at Heart by John Eldredge

Chapter 4:  The Wound

Every boy in his journey to become a man, takes an arrow in the center of his heart, in the place of his strength.  Because the wound is rarely discussed and even more rarely healed, every man carries a wound.  And the wound is nearly always given by his father.

John begins this chapter with a story of rock-climbing with his sons--how he affirmed them without dirrectly affirming.  Ladies, read this.  It explains a lot. :)  His son comes back to him later and wants to hear it again: Dad, did you really think I was a wild man up there?  That's what men long to hear from other men and especially from their dads.  I think back to my father's longing for that all his life.  His dad was killed when he was only three years old so he was raised by his mother and grandmother during The Depression.  My brother always looked for that from our dad when he was alive and I'm sure his two sons look for that from him.   I see firsthand  my sons both looking for the same from their dad.  Mothers generally always think their children are perfect at everything they do and tell them so often.  Dads are more reserved with their praise, and sometimes, honestly, it may mean more coming from one male to another.  The impact that a dad's (or other significant male) encouragement or praise has on a young man will affect his attitudes throoughout his life.

John discusses various fathers and sons in the Bible who name their sons and give them their patriarchal blessing. One noticeable instance is when Rachel names Jacob's last son Ben-Oni (man of my sorrow) but Jacob renames him Benjamin (son of my right hand).  What a difference when a father intervenes.  There is a section on the relationship between mothers and sons.  Being the mother of two sons myself, I thought this was "spot on". A mother is the incarnation of God's tenderness, but if a mother will not allow her son to become dangerous, if she does not let the father take him away, she will emasculate him.  A father needs to intervene so that a boy can learn to be a man from another man.  A good illustration from the movie A Perfect World follows (I have never seen this myself.)

When fathers and sons spend long hours together, we could say that a substance almost like food passes from the older man to the younger.  Wow!  He's not talking about time watching TV or just being in the same room together, but an older man engaging a young man.  There is an older man in our church who has spent 30+ years in ministry and is unmarried.  He is in the "sage" stage of life (see The Way of the Wild Heart) and uses his time wisely.  He engages and spends quality time with the younger men (college age and up) --eating together, good conversation, physical outdoor activities, retreats...  He talks with these "young bucks" (as he calls them) about the deeper things in life, about their growing (or not growing) spiritual depth, of their hearts and temptations and truly gives them courage to be men.  Needless to say, he is dearly loved by them and by us whose sons have benefited from his wisdom and time that he has so freely given them.  Strong families and strong nations need strong men to lead them well.  Never underestimate the gift of strength from one man to another and how that one man may literally change the world.

So much in this chapter which continues on into the next--The Battle for a Man's Heart.

As I'm typing this, I'm listening to Family Life Today on the radio with a broadcast about fathers spending time with their wives and children. The speaker is Freddie Scott II.   Excellent.  Here is the link to his series The Dad I Wish I Had.  You can listen online or download as MP3's.

Wild at Heart Chapter 2 / Fathers Day Series

Wild at Heart by John Eldredge

Chapter 2:  The Wild One Whose Image We Bear

John remembers a time in his youth when his grandfather's ranch was the training ground for his masculine journey.

On our vacation for four years in a row, we were gifted a cabin--actually a three-story 5000 sf home--to stay in for FREE.  Each year we traveled with another family since the house was so huge.  My sons loved it up there, my oldest especially.  There were mountain trails that went REALLY high up, rafting trips and inner tubing down rapids, riding on roads that were dangerous (I kept my eyes shut part of the time), jumping from rock to rock which climbing, swimming in waterfalls...things that boys love to do to test their manhood.  So I know just what the author means when he refers to his summer adventures.  Ours only lasted 10 days to two weeks each time we were there, but they were experiences that both sons (and my husband) remember fondly.

Men often do not want to be like their fathers for a variety of reasons.  I would hope that they could objectively look at them (when adults) and imitate the good parts, trying not to dwell on the bad.   From whom will they (boys/men)  derive their sense of strength?  Maybe it would be better to turn our search to the headwaters, to that mighty root from which these branches grow.  Who is this One we allegedly come from whose image every man bears?

John has a lengthy discussion here on what your image of God might be--meek and mild i.e. Jesus with little children? or wild with rage i.e. cleansing the temple of moneychangers with a whip?  

It was God who created the wilderness, the mountains, the icy raging waters of the earth as well as the flora and fauna, Mt. Everest, the mighty Amazon River, etc. It was God who also  created the  woman Eve as well as romantic places for lovers such as Hawaii, the Bahamas and Tuscany.   He has the essence of men/boys and women/girls in His being--strength and beauty as the Psalmist says:  One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard; that You, O God, are strong. ad that You, O Lord, are loving.  (Psalm 62: 11-12)

There is strength and a bit of wildness even when one is gentle.  Children see it in their "giant, booming voice" father whom they may actually be afraid of at times, but who can turn into a gentle bear when scooping them up in his arms to hug and kiss.  Men need not be afraid to show their strength nor to restrain it or rather, corral it, when needed.  Our culture sends so many mixed messages to both sexes these days.  Women aren't sure how to behave around men; men aren't sure how to behave around women.  They learn these things primarily from their own families and when their families are  broken or distorted from their original design, confusion reigns, even into adulthood.  

I am thankful that my sons have a godly man for a father,  complete with the physical strength and booming voice, but whom they know loves them (and me) with all of his heart.  He is not perfect, so I am also thankful for other men, older and not-so-older ones, who have come alongside our sons to mentor and be their friend as well.  It doesn't take a village, but it does often take more than one man to be a role model.  I welcome whom God sends into their lives to help teach and shape them into the men they were created to be.

Wild At Heart / Fathers Day Series

For the month of May (Mothers Day)  I did a series for women called Let Me Be A Woman, my thoughts from the book by Elisabeth Elliot.  This month, in honor of Fathers Day, I'll be re-reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.  This book was an eye opener for me, moreso than the Mars/Venus book or Straight Talk to Men and their Wives, etc.  It is written by a Christian male author and is an excellent book for believers and non-believers alike.  


Being the sister of one brother, the wife of one husband, the mother of two older sons (who have lots of friends), the aunt of  two grown nephews and one great-nephew, it is a book that I wish I had read LONG ago.  So, if you are female and have men in your life, whatever that relationship is, this book is extremely helpful in understanding them and letting them be who they are.   If you are male (and I know I have several male readers), you may discover things about  yourself that you might not have been able to express in words.    Its sequel, The Way of the Wild Heart is even better, in my opinion, but I don't have a copy of that one.  

I'll probably blog about this book about 2-3x each week during the month of June since there are only 12 chapters.  The italics are the thoughts of the author; everything else is from my 50+ years of experience.


I love this particular book because many of the men I know (including at least one of my sons and my husband) have read or are reading it.  It's best for men to learn things from other men rather than from women as they often really hear  and listen to other men speaking into their lives.  This blog is really for the women who love them.  :)

Wild At Heart by John Eldredge

Introduction

We (men) need something else. We need permission.  Permission to be what we are--men made in God's image. Permission to live from the heart and not from the list of should" and "ought to" that has left so many of us tired and bored.

How true. Men do seem to spend a lot of their energies trying to please us women, at least a good part of the time.  I think part of that is to keep harmony in the household or to woo a young lady.  Lists of things men should be and ought to do frustrate some immensely, particularly when they come from a book that women are more likely to read than men.  

I'm certainly not saying that men should do whatever they want, whenever they please without constraint and the author isn't either.  But we as women need to give them grace to explore, to have adventures, to be with other men to become men and stay as little boys.  I am always saddened to hear of young wives in particular who whine when their husbands are with the guys or off on an occasional adventure without them or those who get scared when they husband is out of town on business.  Trust me. It's healthy for everyone to do this every now and then.

Chapter 1:  Wild at Heart

Adventure, with all its requisite danger and wildness, is a deeply spiritual  longing written into the soul of man.  

Wow, how I wish I had known this when my sons were young. Moms have an instinctive urge to protect their young which I think never goes away.  But, we have to let the young ones gradually explore and develop into men a little at a time over the years we have them with us, not coddling them beyond a time when it is appropriate.  Giving even young boys choices to make (activities and friends), something adventurous  to do (dig a hole in the backyard and see how deep it gets), while teaching them to love and protect their sister(s) and mother gives them a sense of manhood at a young age.  Mine used to jump on and tussle with their dad when they were little.  When they'd try to jump on me, I'd always tell them to think of Mom and girls as "delicate flowers" to be treated more gently.  They understood that perfectly and have always done so with me.  They have always loved battle games, guns, knives and swords; one son is starting a collection. No, I'm not worried that I'm raising a terrorist but one who loves adventure and the things that men do.  Robin Hood, Braveheart and Gladiator are favorite movies with adventure heroes in them around our house.

Society at large can't make up its mind about men. Having spent the last thirty years redefining  masculinity into something more sensitive, safe, manageable and, well, feminine, it now berates men for not being men.  

Manners are good and everyone should have them.  Men and boys need physical exercise and projects to keep occupied, learn new skills and something to conquer.  Give your son an old clock and let him tinker, take it apart and put it back together.  Thrift store finds are great to practice on.  Let him work with tools or the computer on projects rather than just games.  Send the men in your house out shark fishing (as mine are currently interested in doing), to car shows, to the beach, learning new semi-dangerous things together (diving is a favorite in our home which I am afraid of but which I glad let them do together).   Letting your men have a little wildness in their lives can be a simple thing as well.  My husband loves to drive in his car with the top down which I really cannot stand especially when we're going fast.  Sometimes I ride with him and suggest that he do that and boy, does he perk up and almost immediately get happier. Kind of like riding a wild horse on the range, I guess. :) 

There are three desires I find written so deeply into my heart I know now I can no longer disregard them without losing my soul.  I want you to think of the films men love, the things they do with their free time, and especially the aspirations of little boys and see if I am not right on this.  

1. A Battle to Fight
2. An Adventure to Live
3. A Beauty to Rescue

Women want everything to be peaceful without conflict.  Men need a cause and a purpose for living.  Women are generally contented at home; men love to explore.  I love travel as well but am easily contented to see one or two places when on vacation; my husband wants to see and do everything there is to do in a new place which wears me out.  So, I rest up and take vitamins before traveling with him.  :)  There is always the fair maiden in any hero-type  storybook.  Not that everyone needs to be a trophy wife but make the effort to look and smell your best with the men in your house.  Let him be the prince and you his fair lady.  I never wanted my husbands or my my sons to remember me as a frumpy mom so I always dress casual and put on a little makeup in our home even when it's just us here.  The men in a home want to be proud of the mom and girls who live there as well.

Just a few thoughts from this packed chapter.  I encourage you to pick up a copy yourself and read this enlightening book.